What Now?

The past year I have committed a lot of time and effort towards self discovery and reflection yet now I’m left with one lingering question. What now? I know that I need to trust God and release the death grip I at times place on ‘my will’ but if focusing on self improvement is the means and the end then what is the point? When or how do I stop focusing on myself so much and start loving others? What will that even look like in my life? A friend of mine said that everyone has a different gift that they can use to make a difference. I believe this is true. I think God gives us different strengths and it is our responsibility to use these to serve Him and others. I know mine; it is teaching. I love it though at times I feel it is a rather sacrificial gift to be a teacher. When I have the summer to lay out at the pool and hang out with friends though I stop looking at it that way and recognize the blessing it is. Of course it is a blessing for other reasons such as making a difference in the life of a child and all that other good stuff. But for now, for today and this week, having the freedom to lay out at the pool in the middle of the afternoon is the blessing.

I keep thinking though that it isn’t enough. I still have more to give. I can still do more. Lately I’ve noticed that I don’t think twice about throwing down a couple of hundred dollars on a new outfit, I go out to eat with friends several times a week, and don’t get me started on how much money I’ve spent this summer on drinks! Oh the precious joy of the perfect, frozen margarita on a cool patio in summer. Does life get any better? I’m definitely not saying new clothes, eating out with friends, or having a happy hour drink are bad things; I’m just wondering if I spend too much money and thoughts on myself.

I haven’t decided the answer yet. Maybe the next death grip I need to release is the one on my money though. I’ve been blessed so shouldn’t I be blessing others in return? I want to be able to have extra money if there is a friend in need. If I hear of a cause worth serving I want to be able to give without worrying how it will effect my shopping. Frankly when I find I have more money in my account than I originally thought it typically goes towards clothing. And if I feel I don’t have much money on a given month suddenly every penny goes to me because the last thing I would dare to cut off in my budget are things I desperately need. (read- desperately want) So it would seem that whether I have a little or a lot my money I typically regard it as mine. I mean isn’t it? I’m not suggesting that I sell all my possessions and live off beans and rice in order to love others with my money though I’m sure God would not oppose such a sacrificial life. I just wonder if I could be doing more.


Matthew 6: 19-21 (NIV)
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Joy

I cheated a lot in high school. In several classes on end of the year exams I brought a cheat sheet and hid it under my test. One time I even completely written the essay we would write and copied it word for word. No one would have ever suspected me as a cheater. I was fairly sweet in class and always knew the right answers when called on. Teachers loved me.

I’ve noticed that it’s much easier to get away with things when no one perceives you as a threat. No one checks up on you because they don’t see the point. It’s taken for granted that you will not stray from the expected. And so the lies continue without conflict.

Much of college, or all rather, I pretty much lived day to day on what I thought gave me the most joy. This usually meant drinking until I could no longer stand and pretty much partying like a rock star….or so I thought anyways. I still don’t see anything wrong with seeking joy in life. After all doesn’t that make life worth living? Though my definitions of what brings joy have changed since then.

What I miss though about my former life is the lack of conflict. There was no war within my soul on what is the right course of action. Who cares what God or other people think? I grew up in a Christian home and came to realize how truly boring that life was. Needless to say I didn’t put up much of a fight for morality and thusly encountered no spiritual growing pains. No war wounds in the battle for righteousness. In this sense, life was pretty easy.

I can’t say that now. I have now found that there really is a joy in knowing God. A joy that is found in living for Him and serving others. Making that choice and taking that step to not live for myself alone brings me peace and joy. I wasn’t bored because of God before. I was bored in following a bunch of legalistic rules. The problem now though is the conflict. It’s much harder when one makes the decision in their mind to do the right thing. Suddenly life has complications and frustrations that were not so present before. Worse yet I find my strength quickly depletes if I don’t turn to God daily. Frankly some days I feel as though I am climbing a mountain; when before I was content to explore the valleys and plains.

So I guess the question is: why keep going? If one joy is without conflict and the other is then wouldn’t it make sense to follow the path of least resistance? Believe me I’ve pondered this more than I care to admit. However to me the difference, the unbelievably worlds apart difference, is hope. The hope that there is more to this life than what we can see. The hope that God has a plan, one far better than mine. The hope that the perseverance required to continually climb a mountain will one day reap a glorious reward. And so I fight. Fight to not take this life for granted. Fight to love others more than myself. Fight for the desire to love and know God more. I must fight for joy.*

*When I Don't Desire God by John Piper


Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 6:10-18
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

The To-Do List

Ah the never ending to-do list. What sweet simplicity in being able to itemize my every anticipated action. How on earth would I ever remember that from 7:25 to 8:00 I am supposed to call and comfort a friend if not conveniently noted in bullet form? Am I the only one who does this? At what point though is this often times useful organizational strategy simply a means in which to control every minute detail of my life.

Hmm…possibly when the list begins to look like this:

• Leave work 4:30ish
• Dry cleaning/drive home 20 min
• Run 35 min
• Shower 25 min
• Dinner 6:00ish
• Call “friend” 20 min
• Errands 1 hr
• Walk with “friend" 8:00ish
• Read 30min
• Email/ computer 20 min
• Relax 20 min
• Bed around 10:30 ..(I know I’m a loser but I get up at like 5!)

This is one of my typical after school lists from last year. And that’s just during the week on a day when there is not much to do. This could also be a list from this year if I just change the leave work part to closer to 7. (bleh)

I know I am not the only one who finds themselves consumed with busyness and in response tries to manage their time. It seems like there is a sort of crossing into official adult hood when one has to schedule in “relax.” In a effort to combat this realization of a lack of time, rest suddenly becomes a priceless commodity that, try as I might to obtain, always seems just out of my reach. Now I must work ever harder in order to fit in a downtime. Ironically, I have found that the lack of activity does not necessarily equal rest and peace, my ultimate goal. Sometimes in fact if I have nothing to do that makes me even more anxious. Of course this has been a non-issue as of late as I have been consumed with the busyness of school. In the midst of extreme exhaustion and anxiety this past week I stumbled upon the following verse:

Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Sounds promising. But what exactly does “come to me” even mean? Well this is my interpretation presented to you in convenient bullet list form. (..drum roll..)

• Stop worrying about the future and trust that God has a plan and that His plan is better than mine
• Enjoy the beauty of today and be thankful
• Read God’s word to stay grounded in truth
• Talk to God. A lot. He listens. Even if you are longwinded like me. He cares too which is even better.

Yes I know another to-do list!! Hopefully though this one enables a peace the other ones always failed to produce.

Community blog

Krystal and me

(i seriously need to add more pics!)

Krystal, a close friend of mine and one of the girls in my community group, has started a community blog. It’s a place for others to share their thoughts and experiences on living in community. She asked me to guest blog so I posted something tonight. Anywhos check it out if you want.

http://ekklesiadallas.wordpress.com/

A Student's Loss of Hope

On Oprah today she did a show on how the American public education system is failing us. She started by comparing two different schools in her area. The one by her studio, or more urban area, was severely beat down and lacked things most of us probably think of as ordinary such as having instruments in the music classes. The suburban school they featured was of course just the opposite and had features like an Olympic-sized pool, fitness center, and an award winning music program. The point being to make us aware of the fact that though segregation no longer exists there still exists a great discrepancy between the haves and have nots in our public school system. Thus alluding to the fact that our “Dropout Nation” as Time magazine puts it is due to this discrepancy. Though one part I thought was interesting seemed to contradict this thought a little- they showed a well-to-do suburban school in Indiana where the drop out rate is 1 out of every 3 students mainly due to student apathy in regards to a high school diploma. Seems like such a young age to determine one’s fate in the workforce and future socioeconomic status.

As a public school teacher myself this obviously concerns me. But I think what bothers me the most is the loss of hope. Certainly instruments, better textbooks, and extracurricular activities greatly improve ones educational experience. I would never try to deny this fact. What I think the greater issue is however and the one the school in Indiana seemed to point to is that many of today’s youth just don’t care and have the lost the hope that there is a reason to. To me not caring about your education basically equates to not caring about your life…your future. Then that leads to the saddest realization of all: some of these children, possibly even in my class, do not care about their life or have a least lost hope that there is a reason to.

So what is my response as an educator? I teach in a school that supplies for students educational needs fairly adequately, much like the one in Indiana, so I’m not sure that is an issue I face personally. I think the more important issue is the unmet need of hope. But how do you give hope? How do you give hope to the kid whose family can barely afford food and never sees his parents because they work night jobs just to have the money to live? How do you give hope to the girl who has a learning disability and as a 4th grader has trouble reading 1st grade material? How do you give hope to the boy whose had CPS called to his house so many times it’s a running joke…though not the kind one laughs at.

The only answer I can come up with is love. But love is not a mere feeling; love demands an action, a response. In high school, the main people I remember in my life that gave me hope were my coaches. They showed me love by believing in me and encouraging me even when I made mistakes. They never gave up on me or let me settle for less than my best. Their love made my self-confidence sky rocket and a funny thing happened – I began to believe them and began to care more about other areas of my life too even school. Odd how that works isn’t it? How abstract things such as love and believing in someone can change their life. I mean it’s not tangible like a textbook or shiny new instrument and yet they took away a lot of despair I felt due to external factors they had no clue about. Don’t get me wrong tangible things can be greatly important and can definitely change a child’s life too, but sometimes its about something more.

So as I prepare for the upcoming school year my greatest challenge and motivation for everyday is this: How am I going to love my students today? How will I give them hope?

Taking Risks

In college I took a “ropes course” for one of my kinesiology credits. Pretty cool class actually. We walked high wires, flew through the trees on a zip line, and climbed tall rope ladders while being belayed by other students. I must admit walking the high wires terrified me to no end as I am immensely afraid of heights. After we were already halfway through the semester, I finally mustered up the courage to buckle up the belay and fasten my helmet. I must have sweated a bucket as I climbed the ladder in preparation for my “walk.” However afterwards when my feet were safely touching the ground and I could physically prove that yes I would in fact live, I became filled with such elation and excitement that I wanted to go again!

I guess it goes without saying that I’m not the kind of person who easily welcomes risks no matter how much I may desire the possible rewards. I like to know exactly the end result of an endeavor prior to the slightest pursuit of it. However I’ve found that to experience elation and joy you must risk the fall. Maybe this is a fairly elementary concept however I’ve been rather stubborn to accept this truth. I mean what happens if you do actually fall? What then? Truthfully it wouldn’t have mattered if I had fallen off the high wire because I was being belayed. Three other people were holding the rope that was in a sense protecting my life. I mean I would have slipped a little but they hopefully would have caught the slack. Not that in any way I wanted to experience this but I had to put my faith in them to literally catch my fall.

Unfortunately, my reluctance to take risks has reached much greater depths than a simple fear of heights. One in particular that stands out loud and clear in my life would be the risk of rejection. I read a quote recently that said you must have courage to live in reality. I must say that the reality of rejection is one that I avoid at all costs. Recently life has shown me the price of this fear. The main costs have been relationships with depth and meaning. I refused to accept the joy that resulted from the gifts of love and friendship out of fear.

Slowly I’ve discovered the power in shedding inhibitions and the freedom in making mistakes in my relationships. I’m finding joy in being vulnerable and accepting the imperfect me that is reality. So many years I was terrified to let others know me. The me that is seriously messed up and broken; the one that could easily fall off the wire. I didn’t trust there was anything to catch me and break the fall when I inevitably lost my balance. What if someone doesn’t like me? What if I’m too weird, strange, different or just plain unlikable?

To my amazement, a peace overwhelms me when I make the decision to take a risk in my relationships, and I become willing to reveal myself. A peace that I am being true to myself. I’ve started realizing that the truth is people may reject me but the even greater truth is that it is okay because God never will. His strength and unconditional love hold the ropes that sustain me and when I slip it doesn’t mean life is over; it just means I have to get back up and start again trusting that He still guides me. Therefore it doesn’t matter if I am rejected because even though it still may hurt it does not change who I am or His love for me. The God who created the heavens and earth is the same one who out of His infinite love will never reject me and that is the reality I am putting my hope in as I start taking more risks.

Romans 8:38
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

A Plea to my Lord and Savior

Please God give me peace and rest in knowing that you are all I need in this world. Show me how to trust in your love and goodness. Help me remember your love for me when the frustrations of life threaten to overwhelm, and I am tempted to figure everything out on my own instead of surrendering to your will. Give me courage to face hardships knowing that whatever the outcome you are there and will be glorified. Don’t let me settle for a life half-lived, a life of materialism and a continual lust for a life that never fully satisfies. Awaken me to the truth that your grace is more than enough. Fill me with knowledge that the life you want for me is more fulfilling than any life I could dream of for myself regardless of its outward appearance. I am in need of nothing; you are my everything. Give me a joy that only comes from trusting you. Teach me how to love. Remind me of your love and grace so that I may reflect it back on others. Place words of kindness on my lips and pure thoughts in my heart. Humble me to a hurting world so that I will be filled with compassion for your children. Above everything else, guide my hands and feet so that every move I make is in your step.

P.S. Please forgive me when I fail to do all of the above and don’t give up on me.
Thankfully and humbly yours,
Sarah

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."~ C.S.Lewis