Sunday, January 11, 2009


I can sense the unraveling. Somehow I feel the first snag of this chosen covering, and I know that it is only a matter of time before it begins. An unnerving thought really. There isn’t always something to change into and the fear of everyone witnessing my increasingly “damaged” garment begins. Why couldn’t this have happened before I left the house when no one was around?

If the tear is on a place easily hidden, like a sleeve, then no big deal. But what if it is somewhere important? What if this snag threatens to ruin the integrity of my outfit? What then? What if a suitable replacement can not be found? I now run the risk of standing exposed in my imperfections! It may have started out as small but once the unraveling starts it is hard to stop. So how do I hide it?

And so this is my experience when an imperfection comes to the light. A fear of embarrassment and humiliation quickly begins, but over time I must choose to either accept the reality of what is or continue to hide. Fear creeps in of others discovering the reality that I’m not perfect; I don’t always say or do the right thing. In fact I do and say a lot of very stupid things to be quite honest. Quite possibly everyone already assumed the obvious. However I’ve tried quite hard to conceal my imperfections. Yet where exactly has that gotten me? Superficial relationships for one! And a disheartening realization that hardly anyone knows the real me.

My alternative? Stand. Exposed. But what if I am ridiculed, not liked, laughed at, and humiliated? Who will be willing to stand beside me?

Deuteronomy 31:6:
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

I’ve heard it said that everyone’s greatest desire and fear is to be fully known. So is it worth the risk…to be truly known?! I guess that remains a mystery until I decide it is worth being exposed. And trust that I am not alone.

Isaiah 41: 13
For I am the Lord you God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Saturday, January 3, 2009


Desire. Hmm one of those words that may sound scandalous depending on context…like it should be used with a certain amount of caution. I can desire a cookie. Innocent. But there are other things that I can desire that one might have to be careful of when or in what company they admit such a passion or longing. Is it okay for a Christian to have strong passions? Sometimes I think my desires are too much; that I am too much. And that being a Christian means in some way I must tame them and fit them into this box of good Christian holiness…whatever that means.

In Ephesians 4:22 it says: You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;

Deceitful desires? So it would seem that not everything that we truly want is good. Sounds logical. I can sincerely want to spend money on everything I see regardless of accruing debt and date anyone and everyone whether they are single or not. I think we can place these in the obvious “wrong/bad” desires category. What about things like a new career or boyfriend? Is it okay to strongly want something I don’t yet have? How do I know which of these is in the clearly marked “good” category?

Ephesians 4:23-24 goes on to say: to be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

I take this to mean that somewhere along the way our desires have to line up with Gods. Hmm taking a quick inspection of my heart right now and I can honestly say not all of these yearnings are the holiest in nature. And yet they are mine; they exist. I consider myself to be a Christian. I have my struggles sure, but I feel a change in me. So how come I don’t always want what is best for me?

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

What does this mean? Delight definition according to the handy a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy. Okay so if I get my joy from God then he will give me the desires of my heart. Sounds simple enough…or at least it was simple enough to type. Can you imagine that though? Finding all of one’s joy in God? I’m not even completely sure I know what that looks like if every step and thought I made were devoted to pleasing and being pleased in God. What I do know is that it would mean taking the focus off myself and that is a step. It might also mean asking God how to find joy in him rather than the distractions around me. I don't know what God has in store for me truthfully. Instead of being too much though maybe my desires aren't enough.

1 Corinthians 2:9
However as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"