Happiness

Walking through the shops in a quaint little town in Maui, I noticed on the front door of a little hippie store a hand painted sign with this Budha quote on it.

“Happiness doesn’t lie in a certain set of circumstances, but in a certain set of attitudes.”

Sounds true enough. I know that I can easily depress myself when I dwell on the negative. Which it seems I have a special ability to do lately.

At the school I used to work at, one of the principals would recite on the announcements every morning, “You can make it a good day or a bad day. It’s your choice. So stop being a whiny brat!” Ok so she didn’t say that last part, but the implications are clear - Attitude is everything! A phrase, by the way, written on several posters throughout the school.

Is it really that black and white though? What about the kid who suffers from some sort of abuse? Am I supposed to give him a monologue on the power of positive thinking?! Seriously?? That sounds a little insensitive.

How does one “make it a good day” when you feel like no one really cares? Maybe the abuse example is an extreme, or at least I hope, but a bad day, week or month certainly isn’t. Possibly some of our ability to be happy really is attitude. In dark moments it’s easy to forget the good, but sometimes crappy things happen and “looking on the bright side anyways” feels fake and silly. My smile becomes a mask rather than an expression of a true feeling. Are feelings such as sadness and disappointment so wrong that we must always power through them? Where does the balance lie? Can I be at peace with my life even if I don’t feel happy?

One morning, in an attempt to find out if I planned on going to church that day, my roommate found me sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing. The stress over whether to quit my job finally became too much to hold in any longer. I really don’t remember much of her comments to me, but what I do remember is her sitting on the floor across from me. When I looked up, tears had started to stream across her face too. She couldn’t change my uncertainty or my fear concerning the future, but in that moment I didn’t feel so alone. Somehow hope grew on the floor of my bedroom that Sunday morning. Hope that even though I have all these unanswered questions about my life I would be okay because someone felt my pain and cared. Obviously we didn’t just sit there all day crying, but the compassion of a sweet friend enabled a much better day.

I had this student last year who, I’ll try not to be too dramatic on this point, was the worst behaved kid I have ever had and possibly have ever even met! He constantly fought the other students, was exhaustingly emotional and even threw temper tantrums in the middle of class. I’m pretty sure he aged me at least five years! The chip on his shoulder grew each day as he seemed to think the world was against him. It soon became my goal each morning to find something positive to say to him. I’ll never forget this one day when I praised part of his writing, his worst subject by far. Though this wasn’t the first or last time I said something encouraging to him, for some reason this time it meant more than the others. He wore a proud smile and displayed an unusual and refreshing kindness towards those around him the rest of the day. A few simple words changed his afternoon.

I wonder how much our happiness or contentment with life actually lies within our control. Is attitude everything? Unfair or at least unwanted events happen and at times trying to make myself feel good despite it feels impossibly hard. What happens if I’m too exhausted to keep a grip on hope?

Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

What does God loving me even look like in practical application? The blessing and compassion of a caring friend? The encouragement and love of those around me? The hope that I can live each day to its fullest if He will give me strength? Happiness may not lie in a certain set of circumstances, but how can my attitude improve if I don't know I am loved?

Psalm 40:11
Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me.

Matthew 5:4
Happy are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Be All I Need

I lost my peace
and rest is now a distant memory.
I want to understand your love for me.
How this silence can be a good thing.

I'm begging you to come near
and be all I need.
Because I can no longer wait patiently.

I've lost my hope
wandering this path alone.
You call yourself Love
but I am left feeling empty.

I'll stop searching
so please don't leave me this way.
I want to know completely
you are all I will ever need.

Wise choice or an emotional reaction?

Pancakes. In case you actually had to go to work this morning and are unaware of the best part of not being you right now, the answer is pancakes. One perk of being jobless - time to make breakfast and sit in my pjs while I have my "quiet time." Eventually I write a to-do list for the day consisting of mainly job related items such as sending out resumes and the like...unless of course I'm being lazy and blogging all morning!

(side note - A bitterness is beginning to fester in my heart towards my at many times empty email inbox.)

Of course the benefit of creating my own schedule doesn't make up for the fact of so much uncertainty concerning my future. The terrible irony here, almost laughable really, is that I asked for this. About two or three months ago I told God I wanted to know what it means to really trust and depend on him everyday. I wanted to know what taking my safety net away would feel like and prayed for faith that stands strong despite circumstances.

If I had a question before as to whether God answers prayers, my doubts have been refuted. You might say I forced my own circumstances, since I resigned, so this doesn't technically count as an answered prayer. I do have a choice though...in where I place my hope. Will I still trust God if I don't have a job by August? Scary thought. I've decided it's fruitless to entertain those thoughts since I can't control the unknown. But am I blissfully ignoring future reality until it becomes present reality or do I really trust that God has a plan for me?

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

According to McKnights conversion theory in Finding Faith, Losing Faith, people tend to walk away from their faith because they can't make "intellectual coherence of life with the scriptures and don't have a place to go to ask questions."

Well my questions are these: When are risky choices acts of faith and when are we confusing our own ignorance for "childlike faith"? How do I know that I haven't arrogantly jumped without a parachute expecting that God will save me? Where do intellect and faith meet? Is intellect the same as wisdom? How do I know that I'm not basing my beliefs and choices on emotional highs rather than truth? When am I acting on faith and when am I just being plain naïve?

Proverbs 4:7 says: Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Then, Proverbs 3:5 says: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Okay...so how does one "get understanding" yet "lean not your own understanding?"

I'm supposed to acquire understanding but not put my trust in that understanding? And why exactly?? What's the point? If I shouldn't put my faith in my knowledge, why have it? I find it hard to believe though that God would desire simple minded followers. I mean does anyone want a following of idiots who don't know any better? And who would follow a god that did ask for such "blind" believers?

1 Corinthians 2:12-16
We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things, but he himself is not subject to any man's judgment: "For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?" But we have the mind of Christ.

If the Holy Spirit gives us wisdom, then I would assume trusting in the Lord means trusting in His guidance and not my own thoughts. I have to admit that sounds a little risky. How do I differentiate between the two? Is it possible to make a stupid decision but sincerely believe that God led you there? Which voice in my head is mine and which is from God or worse from neither?! Experience tells me to seek guidance in the Bible and from others I trust or respect. Third party perspective! (thank you Shallow Hal)

Most of my friends think, or at least say they think, I made a good choice and have been fairly supportive about my decision to resign especially in light of my unhappiness the past couple of years. My parents on the othe hand have situated themselves on the "you're kind of an idiot" side of the issue. Some of this may be due to the fact that my parents have been through the ugliness of a recession before while most of my friends have never had to worry too much about such hardships. Biblical answers? I keep finding all these verses about trusting God...and give my worries to him. Which is crucial I think, but it would seem that God isn't going to clearly write in the sky the right decision to each choice. Darn it!

So how do I discern between Godly wisdom and my emotional reactions or desires?

James 1:5-6
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Door #2

Do I have to accept what I've been given?
Is it selfish to want something more?
Can I at least take a peak at what lies behind the curtain?
I want to know what's behind the other door.

If I knew, would I be happier?
Or does contentment hide elsewhere?
Did I make a mistake that 1st step long ago?
I can't decide anymore.

Now the worn tracks make retracing hard to imagine.
But how can I love this life I've been given,
when I'm always wondering what's behind the other door?

Worth

She fades away

each time she stumbles

fully aware of her depravity.

And when she gets it right

a smile appears

so proud of her abilities.

Worth attached

to every decision

brings much anxiety.

Unconditional love

hard to fathom

and surrender a mystery.

If the Truth she professes

guides her actions,

she finds the path to serenity.

Romans 8: 38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Laziness

Okay so I’m about to reveal a big secret here: I’m unbelievably lazy. Somewhere I can see my mom roll her eyes as my parents know this is no secret at all, but for those who have never been so fortunate as to have lived with me then maybe it is. One glaring example of this, the constant state of disaster my room lives in. I hate cleaning! Bleh! Yet hiring a maid for just my room seems so silly and wasteful.

Sadly this is not the most defining proof of my laziness. No, the most unfortunate example became apparent the other day at school when I opened my back cabinet in search of old magazines. In this hodge podge of supplies for my students I found the containers we used to hold our class earthworms last semester. With dirt still in them… With the dead worms still in them. EWWW! Throwing them away sounds like the obvious and easy choice right? Well, maybe so but I have to inventory the containers holding the worms back to the science department. Which means cleaning. Cleaning hard, dried old worms. And well you see you the dilemma. Anyhow, clearly I have made the case that my laziness has reached a pathetic state. And in case you are wondering, yes, the earthworms are still in the cabinet.

I have another laziness that goes beyond my lack of cleaning skills. Laziness in doing what I know I am supposed to do. Maybe apathy even. I find that God asks me to do a lot of things and though I constantly remind him of my inabilities, it would seem that He can be rather persistent about some things. It’s not that I don’t want to obey or follow God’s desires for my life. Sometimes though in realizing the impossibility of God’s expectations, I stop trying.

How am I supposed to be kind to the co-worker I overheard gossiping about me? How am I really, I mean really, going to make enough money next fall to keep the standard of living I am used to? How can I stay disciplined to get up every morning to “spend time with God”? Lately, I find myself constantly praying for the desire to do what I know God wants of me rather than actually doing whatever it is. And it occurred to me, with my co-worker, I might be waiting a long while before I passionately desire to love my enemies. (Matthew 5:44) I may not be completely certain where God is leading my career path so does this mean I wait to research and try new things? I do not mean to suggest a black and white world where every decision appears abudantly clear, but I wonder if waiting sometimes becomes another form of not trusting God.

So if this prayer and my inaction is evidence of not trusting God then I guess the solution would be to trust God. Why is that never as simple as it sounds? I think if I could ever get that trust thing right somehow the rest of life would perfectly fall into place! A male friend of mine once said to me that instead of praying about whether to do something that obviously glorifies God maybe I should just do it and ask God to stop or redirect me if He has other plans. That has really stuck with me. Maybe guys in general think about actions while girls think about emotions, but I really appreciated this thought. Sometimes I confuse what is essentially worry and distrust for meditating the ramifications and meanings behind my future actions. So rather than wait around for a desire, my new prayer is for strength as I take actions towards trusting God. Maybe I can start by throwing away the dead worms?! Ha! No. Baby steps.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Philippians 4:13
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Obedience

Obedience. I would like to go on record and say I hate that word. I don’t consider myself defiant really it just sounds too formal and restrictive. Even as a child, I questioned most rules and to the joy of my parents obstinately debated the logic of many. I still do this. In fact, my annoyance of rules kept me from attending church in college and a few years after. Okay so maybe I am a little defiant, but I don’t like being told how to live! I prefer the freedom in making and living out my own choices! Whew. I hope that didn't make me sound too much like a teenager.

I’d like to think I’ve matured since then considering I’m quickly approaching the big 3-0 but the other day when I saw obedience as the title of my daily devotional I cringed a little. "Oh yay! A lesson on sin!" However I was taken back a little by the opening statement: “The first thing to do in examining the power that dominates me is to take hold of the unwelcome fact that I am responsible for thus being dominated.” (Oswald Chambers) Then I looked up the reference chapter, Romans, and found this verse:

Romans 6:16
Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness

Interesting. One can obey sin? Isn’t that some sort of oxymoron? Like the two words don’t belong in the same sentence. If you are sinning aren’t you going against a rule and not for one? I thought obedience was the submission. Maybe we are always, whether we want to or not, obeying something?

Obeying God usually makes me think of a list of don’ts. Don’t lie. Don’t get drunk. Don’t have sex. Don’t have fun. Oops…ignore the last one. All of these rules equating to restricting my freedom and opportunity to enjoy life. I’ve started to have a new perspective on obedience though. Sometimes obedience means doing something. Do love someone who may not be loving in return. Do give your money to someone in need even though you have little to spare. Do quit your job. God has told me to do all of these things at one time or another, the last being the most recent. And somehow that’s exciting. Exciting because I know I can’t do it and now I will have to fully rely on God. I'm finding out that obedience and submission to Christ is not willfully entering a dull life, like I once thought, but living one of wonder and excitement.