Restless. Anxious. Why do I never seem fully satisfied? As much as I do during the week with work and after school activities (most of which are more fun than not by the way) I still don’t feel like I’m living the life I want. Even though I'm not completely sure what "the life I want" is a part of me feels its absence as though God is holding out on me and so I need to start making my own way. Control my own destiny.
In the midst of my whining it occurs to me that maybe it’s a good thing…to not feel completely satisfied with this life. Maybe I was never meant to.
Paul wrote in Philippians 3:18-20:
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Ultimately, I don’t belong here. I find this to be extremely exciting and comforting news truthfully! I don’t have to place my hope in other people, money, or accomplishments. My joy does not increase and diminish based on the next week’s schedule or happenings. It sounds so easy to believe this yet so hard to live these truths daily.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Also good news--I know that I do not have to rely on my strength. The trouble being that trust and surrender isn’t usually easy or fun or even obvious sometimes. Plus if you take pride in living a very self disciplined life like me then it’s even harder. Knowing that I can live a descent life without God is the hardest truth to bare and ignore. Ambition, self discipline, and work ethic are the corner stones and foundation of which my life has been formed and tearing apart foundation is never easy. I think that is what God is trying to do. Tear down the illusion of my strength and ability to live life without him. How frustrating it must be when I claim surrender yet fight him for control all the time.
Why even rely on God when I can do it myself? Ambition, self discipline, and work ethic aren’t bad things, Christian or not. In fact one could argue that they are quite necessary for anyone who plans to lead a productive and successful life. And so this question bothered me for a long time. But after time I realized that I can’t provide my own hope and joy. Well at least one that does not diminish or fade away. I became bored with that thing that once made me happy, the person I placed my hope in let me down, or that accomplishment or success wasn't enough... I needed more. Anxiously I kept trying to fill a void that I was never meant to fill. That is the main thing that keeps me turning back to Christ I think. Knowing that He is the only one who can give me a lasting hope and joy. Too bad my stubbornness and pride cause me to come crawling back to this realization almost daily.