Sunday, July 6, 2008

My Big Gold Coach Purse

I’ve found a new security blanket. Yes, I’ve discovered a new pathway leading to a feeling of automatic acceptance by Dallas and everything that that means in my mind.

I used to stress about being a size zero. I was a size zero all through college and for several years after. Sometimes I wouldn’t even fit into that, but I wasn’t about to buy children’s clothes. It used to be that I was just small and that’s how it is. Then it became a competitive thing and what I based my identity on. I was the girl who cared enough about her body and being healthy to exhibit self control in eating and workout at least 5 times a week. I knew it was appreciated in the circle I surrounded myself with. I would be a liar if I didn’t say that I myself judged those who couldn’t or should I say wouldn’t control their weight. “How unhealthy! Just eat right and exercise!” I would scream at them in my mind as I was finishing off my 4th or 5th glass of vodka and seven. But alas my body has changed, and my mind recognizes that I am living a lie to call myself healthy and eat less than 1,000 calories a day. I’ve come to accept this, or at least have learned that I should. I am starting to appreciate that joy does not come in being a certain size. I’ve come a long way since then. I hardly even recognize that former self and am embarrassed to recall my previous conceit.

This past Christmas, I became the proud, new owner of a big gold Coach purse. I’ve had coach purses before but none of them screamed as loudly HEY! Look at me! I like it though. It has gold hardware and a big gold strap, and I think it’s fun and sassy. I’ve also noticed that I can look like a total slob and yet when I am carrying this purse suddenly it’s okay. I can go to the mall straight from the gym without hitting the shower; I still have class…see the purse. I can bum around all day in my yoga clothes. I can buy things on sale without feeling cheap. I have money darn it…see the purse.

2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, and the new has come!”

This verse is helpful when I struggle with body image yet somehow it hasn’t helped my materialism.

I don’t think I have a conclusion to this rambling. Maybe I should get rid of the purse in an effort to prove my identity is in Christ and not in material things. But my new found confidence feels good and I just hate having to put on real clothes instead of bumming around in my workout gear…ha..

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